Do I have my jacket? ...Check... Do I have my wallet? ...Check... Do I have the keys?... Check… My helmet? ...Check… Mask and gloves? ...Check… Hand Sanitizer? ...Check…
Half a world away from where I grew up, I’m now 30 and this is what goes through my mind every time we’re about to leave. I’m closing the gate of the house, walking to get on the back of Ashraye’s motorcycle, double checking that I’m prepared, and praying for safety as we’re out and about.. It’s not quite the routine I foresaw when I moved here seven months ago. Yes, I knew about riding a motorcycle, but that’s about it. The jacket is to prevent sunburn in the 100 degree weather, (a more cultural solution than sunscreen, and recently a relief from random rain downfall as we enter the monsoon season). Masks and gloves were completely off my radar, as those only applied to me for snow gear. Hand sanitizer?? Yeah ok, that was usually stuffed in a bag somewhere.
Yes, it’s been seven months of adjustment for me, a roller coaster of highs and lows. I’ve seen newer sides of myself that I didn’t know were there or haven’t seen in a while. When in a season of transition, I honestly think this is common. Some of the raw weeds in our hearts are often exposed. Mine sure have been! And friends, it's not pretty. For example, I realize that I have idolized my freedom to do WHATEVER I want, WHENEVER I want, HOWEVER I want. Not having these freedoms can sometimes lead to me into a valley... I’m not able to drive a motorcycle here yet, mostly because I don’t know how, especially in this traffic, dodging all of the dogs and cows. It’s basically an obstacle course. Living in a house with several other people, I don’t often cook for myself, and there are no canned vegetables. So “throwing something together quick” doesn’t really happen. Since the beginning of the pandemic, I haven’t been running outside by myself, trying to take safe precautions. Timeliness is different, and I find myself with more unexpected down time. Language can be a whole new realm of frustration, when it feels like a barrier. Yes there have been many frustrations...for me after a while of dealing, I usually end up in tears.
However, I’m thankful for my upbringing, family, friends, fiance, and of course God who won’t let me stay in these low valleys. I forcefully cause my mind to switch gears, asking "Today what am I grateful for?!" I’m thankful to know the Hindi that I do, for a season away from overwhelming responsibilities, for a roof to run on, even if it's small. I’m thankful to learn how to make new food, and feel successful when I make the sweet desserts (mostly recently apple crisp in honor of American Independence Day). I’m thankful to be able to travel with Ashraye and his safe driving. I'm thankful to go visit new friends houses, a time filled with laughter and games. I’m so thankful for technology, voice and video calls. I’m thankful for reading books to my nieces and nephews on Zoom. There is so much more, but our magical roller coaster ride of Jessica’s mind is now over.
Yes it has been a whirlwind. I hope you enjoyed the ride, whether you screamed, cried, or laughed please come back and ride again. I really do love roller coasters. Youth trips usually ended at a theme park, where I ran to be in the roller coaster ride with the youth. But this recent roller coaster has taken me by surprise. On the same day, I’ll wake up happy and after two hours, be in frustrated tears. Often I’ve prayed to not be offended by cultural things that happen, or my own feelings of unsuccess. But when transitioning and learning basically everything new, these moments are bound to happen. I know this is only a season. But being in the middle of it, really stinks...until I switch gears that is.
As much as I feel like myself is on a roller coaster, I wonder if much of the world feels the same? I still stay up to date on what’s happening around the world. It’s a difficult time. I’ve felt much sadness over the past few months listening, talking, and praying for those who have felt so much pain, whether it be from COVID-19 deaths or from riots. As much as I have felt frustrated, my life is NOT the center of the universe. This is important for me to remember. I am not the center of the universe. There are billions of others around me, who might have feelings of pain, be scared, or have plenty of frustrations of their own. I can’t ignore that. So when I feel I can’t do anything else, I walk and pray. I check in with those who God brings to mind to see how they’re doing. And it keeps me going. Knowing that we aren’t meant to stay in the hard valleys. These hard valleys make us better people, stronger people, wiser people. They will develop us, teach our feet how to walk on the rocky slopes reaching for higher ground. Yes I'm reaching for higher ground! Okay out of my mind and into what’s happening on the streets!
Lockdown was lifted at the end of May. I have finished my classes which is super exciting after four years of walking through them. So I have more time. I volunteer with a non-profit here, that is very similar to the Bridge. It’s been great to be able to assist using the skills that I’ve learned. I’m able to help in the communications department (aka emails/blogs) and recently some video editing. It’s been fun to try my hand at something new and have a good community to be around. Continuing in education, I also try to learn some Hindi, and look forward to teaching English as a second language online to kids (this is my current work). Evenings consist of a lot of zoom call meetings since groups aren’t meeting in person yet. A group for youth has started up within the past few weeks, and I’m so grateful for that. It’s an opportunity where I feel like I know what I'm doing and love.
..Now can’t wait to see what happens in another 6 months! Yes a wedding forsure!
*Side note: If you can identify with my frustrating roller coaster at all here are a couple good resources that help to continue walking.
Jessica, I can't imagine the changes you are seeing in your life. The cultural changes alone would do me in! You are strong and resilient and in love. Those traits you possess will help you make it through this and learn to love where you are in this world!
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